Sundays have become sacred.
And mornings too,
As well as the sunset to twilight hours.
Well, I s’pose
I have been carving space for a while,
To reclaim that which is mine —
My life time.
💫
Relearning how to relax,
I switch off from all and exist.
Allowing the space
to let go and slow pace.
Feeling the suffering of the world —
Chaos and Burden —
Like iron fists at my throat
Bearing bronze chainmail coat.
Tension carried daily,
Accumulated in mind and body.
Sacred time allowing
Rest and Release
To let go and just be,
Sovereign as me.
🐺
2020
Along came COVID and the world shut down. We were convinced we had more time in our lives because we were not commuting. Or what’s more, we could use this time for self development and learn new skills. Or perhaps, for those who lost jobs or faced reduced hours, we were marketed that now was the time for taking up that course or new skill.
Then there has come the lure of resignation from the corporate world. Yet, the systems are not yet built to support creators.
So we switched one hamster wheel for another, or worse, started running harder.
I’ve been slowly learning the art of pausing with presence, along with the art of surrendering to stillness.
When I think about what makes me happy about my life, it’s not the things I do that make me smile, it’s the things that have happened to me that bring me joy — the experience of enjoying moments.
So why do I always feel the urge to be doing something?
I thought I had managed to escape the corporate vampire that sucked my life force and robbed me of my early twenties… at least for a little while.
Then somehow, over the past few years I fell back into the hamster cage and the toxic child of capitalism — the wheel of productivity — seduced me. I could say that watching my mum growing up, who juggled many things and kept herself busy with endless to-do lists in servitude to family and community, conditioned me into the same mentality. But that would eliminate my own agency. And I’ve always been fiercely proud of my independence.
Instead, I am getting better at reminding myself that I have choices. I can say no.
Yet, actually saying “no” can be a tricky thing. It often takes Courage. It certainly requires Diplomacy to say no to family and friends.
And it can take much insight, reflection and compassion to say no to one self, along with a tonne of Determination and Commitment.
It does get easier with practice though.
In one of my attempts to achieve order and focus, I aquired a journal that promoted greatness. It offers me, a planning nerd, a way to organise my thoughts, dreams and ambitious ideals of systematically prioritizing the to-do list so I can get shit done. It also encourages a healthy dose of reflection, for learning and improvement.
Does it work?
Well, yes…to varying degrees.
Thanks to the growth-focused agile methods of my current workplace, I have learned to continuously test & refine. I’ve transferred this approach to the way I use this journal. I’ve tried to follow the prescribed way, but that didn’t quite fit. I’ve tried to be more relaxed about it and just keep it handy for idle doodles, reminders and brain dumps. But I felt like I was leaving a lot of wasted pages.
Blank pages haunt me,
A blockage at my throat,
Cracks yet to break open.
I’ve tried a more “time-audit" approach and was inspired by the “BuJo" or “Bullet Journal" trend, noting down key events and dot pointing highlights and takeaways. That didn’t last long, it was too much.
I am yet to master the best way to journal that helps to organise my particular kind of chaotic inner mahem, but I have learned a few things along the way:
- Schedules are better with flexibility. I am finding that it’s far easier to set the tone of the day, to dedicate certain days of the week to paid work and others for study or self development.
- Allow for the day to lead itself while working toward one goal helps focus. Rather than trying to squeeze out every minute of the day for productive use and expect to get many things done, I choose one thing I want to get done for the day and focus on that goal first. It’s kinda simple isn’t it? Yet the lie of multi-tasking continues to seduce cloudy thinking and distractions. The good news is that every day I try again, I get better at doing this.
- Allowing for rest and recovery is one of the best ways to get better at getting shit done. Burnout is rife. And it takes a lot of time to recover from. My mornings are now sacred for sitting in stillness and gently waking the mind and body from dreaming to conscious being. It’s my reset — letting go of any lingering worries and persistent ruminations, and breathing my intentions into existence. The setting sun then signals the wind down and I dedicate that time for enjoying the sky. These moments are must haves to maintain my wellbeing, and the minimum for rest times. Trust me, you’re no use to anyone when you’re burned out. (Been there, done that).
- Things are rarely as urgent as they seem. After pooring brain dumps of ALL the things into my weekly prioritization matrix, I found myself copying the same “urgent" items across to the next week, and the next, and a few more after that. And the pattern continued. I realised that many of the items I often perceive as “urgent” are not really that urgent at all. People will adapt and the world will keep spinning away, regardless of what you do. Obviously our actions have impact on the world around us, but the point is, it’s very rare that everything will stop and collapse if you don’t send those cards to Aunt Rida today. Obviously Aunt Rida’s cards will be delayed, which I imagine she won’t be super happy about but no one (hopefully) will be harmed by this, except poor Aunt Rida. Perhaps she might forgive you if she knew you had a hundred other things on your plate.
The point is, being flexible, allowing space for R&R (rest & recovery) and being kinder to ourselves when trying to carry many burdens or responsibilities, are the key lessons for taking care of myself and my love ones through this time.
That, with a magnificent dose of love and compassion.
I hope I can remember these lessons for a long time to come.
Image by author:
My favourite view of sunrise — taken from our living room.
